Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
