I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
