I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
