I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
