just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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