I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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