It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
