so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
