My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
