I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
