She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
