Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
