Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My bed smells like the plague
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
