I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Your mouth is God's brothel.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
