My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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