dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
