She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
