Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I am available for nakedness
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
