She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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