dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
