Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
