why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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