My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I CAN MOONWALK!
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
