I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
