OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Randomize
