dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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