Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
