meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
