I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
