i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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