I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
