you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
