Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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