If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
