I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
