you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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