I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
