Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
