Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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