So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
