Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
