i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
