My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
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Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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