AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
