im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
