Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
