I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
