I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
