420 ftw
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
