She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
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PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
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I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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