Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
