Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
