All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i only shaved half my leg
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.