I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.