hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
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I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
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Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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