I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
